Thankful

OK, first I want to thank each of you lovely commenters, thanks for being so tuned in to LFCA and taking time out of your busy day to leave such welcoming and encouraging sentiments on my blog.  I honestly treasured each one.  I am in the process of reading each of your blogs and I look forward to learning more about your respective journeys.


After I kinda "let it all hang out" in the last post, I realized there was another sentiment I wanted to add.  Yes, much of what I have been through has been difficult, but in many ways, I am also quite blessed.


One fundamental reason is actually quite simple: As difficult and discouraging as it is to go through pain cycle after pain cycle, I actually do get a break from the unrelenting pain.


And while it is relatively brief, it makes all the difference.  The times in between Smaug's outbursts are not entirely free of pain.  Quite the opposite - they are often rather painful, just significantly less so then when he is on the attack.  But that brief relative reprieve is critical.  It gives me a chance to catch my breath, to gather strength, and most importantly, remind me of what it's like to be myself when I'm not bowed by pain.


I can work, enjoy hobbies, family, my husband, appreciate good books and good chocolate.  And that reminder of who I really am is what keeps me going.  In the terrific novel "A Thousand Splendid Suns," one of the characters, Miriam's mother (a rather unlikeable character) is fighting her daughter's desire to go to school.  She feels that woman do not stand to gain much from education.  Instead, she feels the critical lesson a woman can learn is "how to endure".  And while I certainly disagree with her stance on formal education, the idea of "learning how to endure" certainly resonates with me. So with each episode of Smaug's wrath, I focus on simply getting through it, of enduring to the end of that cycle.  And in the times in between the worst of the pain, I try to focus on cramming the most and best living I can into such times.


As I wrote in an earlier post, the 3 years I struggled to recover from debilitating knee injuries were some of the worst years I have experienced.  I rarely got a break from the pain, and I would have done almost anything to Make. It. Stop.  And when the pain goes on without end like that, its all you can see, all you know, and like water wearing away a stone, the pain slowly erodes who you are until all you can remember is the pain.  


Before things had gone so Wrong with my knee, in a whimsical moment, I wrote down a list in my journal of the top things I would never want to live without.  They included, in no particular order:
1. Laughter
2. Really good books.
3. Times with family and friends.
4. The feeling and the sound of the resounding purr of my cats against me.
5. Great chocolate.
6. The ability to challenge my mind.


And in the midst of the worst of those 3 years, when my quality of life was so diminished I didn't know what was worth staying alive for, I stumbled upon that list again.  And I was stunned to realize that despite the diminished quality of my life, I was still able to enjoy each and every item on my list.  That list ended up acting as my North Star, guiding me and giving me something to focus on when I was so disoriented by the swirling mists of pain all around me. 


And in a similar fashion, the temporary reprieves I get in between the worst pain cycles, even when it only lasts a few days, is enough to remind me of who I am and all that I love.  And it is what I cling to when I again get lost amidst the devastating storms of pain.


In addition to what I had listed all those years ago, I would like to add the following:
1. The simple joy of sharing my life with this amazing man who "gets me" down to my very soul, and loves me.
2. The ability to contribute to the enrichment of others, in some capacity.
3. The ability to love with all my heart and soul.
4. The wonderful, cozy, all-is-right-with-the-world feeling I get when I snuggle in next to my husband at night. 
5. The ability to love mightily, and share in the life of a child. 


So now it's your turn:
What gets you through the terrible times in life?  What tops your list of things you wouldn't want to live without?