Sunday, December 12, 2010

Very Bad Blogger

I must be spanked - I am a Very Bad Blogger.  Spank me, I've been really bad!!
Ok, enough with the bad Monty Python - I am very sorry for the long, shall we say "lull" in posting.  There has been a whole lot going on, but there really is no excuse.  I will do better.  In the mean time, Dear Internets, I hope the time has been very good to you all.

Update: When we last left our heroine, she had just come off of BCPs to see what, if any, difference it would make to Smaug.  And Smaug was sleeping in a bit, was running later than usual in his regularly  scheduled temper tantrum.   And we were holding our collective breath, afraid to hope something this simple would make such a difference. . .

  •  To date, of all the things I've tried, coming off of BCPs is the only thing that has made any significant difference to Smaug whatsoever.  Still think there is no hormonal connection??
  • However, it did not come close to defeating Smaug, it merely changed his patterns of slumbering and stomping about my unmentionables.  To clarify: Instead of 4 - 5 really rotten days out of every 12 - 14, I have 7 - 10 really rotten days out of every 25 days or so.  And believe me, the days in between aren't necessarily smooth sailing, many hit a 5 or 6 on the pain scale.  And 7 - 10 days of straight agony really knock you flat.  But it gives me some very precious extended "better" time in between.  And if I get to choose, and for now it seems that I do, I'll take it this way.
  • I saw Dr. Love and she decided to try some special new drugs on Smaug.  They are suppositories (oh what fun!) and require a very special pharmacy to make them.  They are designed to work directly on my girly bits and Samug personally.  And I discovered that Smaug really likes them.  They distract him a bit, take the very worst out of his thrashing and tearing about.  It's like it takes the pain down just enough to bring me back from the brink of insanity.  And it doesn't knock me any flatter than the pain already does.  I think this is what makes it possible for me to get through  7 - 10 days of Smaug on a bender. 
  • I saw Dr. Saint.  Since I turned 35, she gave me a lecture about my waning fertility.  Don't laugh.  On the one hand, no one wants to get that talk.  On the other hand, I've been trying to get through to various specialists that I'm not getting any younger baby-making wise for quite a while.  This is the same doctor who previously told me that if she were in my shoes and was certain we'd be ok adopting, she would just go ahead and schedule a hysterectomy.  Never mind that that won't necessarily take the wind out of Smaug's sails. This time, however, she was saying that with all the different specialists we have seen, the focus of our efforts has always been on wrestling Smaug in to submission, not on baby-making.  Given my age, she didn't want us, five years from now, to look back and regret not pursuing a baby.  She recommends at least seeing the experts and finding out exactly where we stand.  She was initially talking about seeing an RE and seeing what the challenges to conception are, but remembering what I had been told by another doctor when Nate and I married, I think we're going to start with a pre-conception consultation with a perinatologist.  We need to get a handle, as best we can, on what the risks and effects getting preggers would have on me and any baby we might conceive.
  • Nate is on board with this.  This is not so simple as it might sound.  Usually, Nate and I talk about everything.  And we have spoken about this, just not really at any length about the specifics.  Each year, on New Years Eve, we take some time alone to talk about the best moments of the past year, and what we want to see in the new year.  For the past 3 years, the very top of the list of what we want in the new year has been starting a family.
 So we've been very open about where we want to be, and we've faced each obstacle to that goal together, but as far as the mechanics of staring that family goes . . . Well, as you can imagine, with a history like ours (mine in particular), sex is a bit of a loaded gun as far as topics of conversation go.  Just the issue of Smaug alone would be enough to make a man wilt at the idea of physical intimacy.  Then throw in my past and you've increased the difficulty a hundred fold.  Plus, Nate has his own demons with respect to this issue.  The last thing I wanted to do was make Nate feel any pressure about this.  So I tended to push down the depth of my feelings relating to this issue, and focus on getting the best of Smaug.
Have I ever mentioned that we see a shrink?  Let's call her Sara.  Sara is a rock.  We adore her.  Nate knew her from having seen her in the past, and we started seeing her together shortly after Nate's father died and I was in a Very Dark Place with regard to my illness and my past.  We did a lot of hard work together, and I think she is one of the reasons we got through a whole lot of shit prior to marrying. We now see her roughly every 2 -3 weeks, just to go over anything troublesome, help with coping techniques with Smaug, etc.  There are a number of times now where I don't know that we
need to see her per se, but we got into the habit of it, and it's rather a healthy habit, kind of like going to the gym.  

Anyway, a typical session for us is that Nate gets to spend some time with her alone first, then I get time alone with her, then we come together and meet with her as a couple.  While I'm rather lousy at bringing troubling things up with her of my own initiative, I promised myself that I wouldn't shy away from a subject when asked, no matter how difficult.  So when Sara asked how my last appointment with Dr. Saint had gone, and then asked how I felt about getting pregnant, I think I surprised her a bit when I answered, "I want it like my lungs want air to breathe." 

But it turns out Nate had been expressing similar feelings about having a baby.  So when we had our "couple time" with  Sara, we outlined where we were and a rough game plan.  Nate was surprisingly up for the medical consultation, even wanting his family dr to order a SA before we do a standard fertility work up.  That may sound weird, but he was born with an undescended testicle (wasn't surgically removed until he was 6), and he's always wondered what, if any,  effects that may have had on his boys.  I think I may have found perinatologist, now I just need to work up the courage to actually take a bite out of that bullet.

Much more to tell you all, but this will suffice for my first post back in a while. 

'Til Soon.