Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Why Nate is The Bomb

While there are many, many reasons, tonight I am specifically referring to the fact that he knows me so very well, and can, on occasion respond, with both big and little moments that take my breath away.

Take for example, the movie "Marley and Me".  I have spoken on here before about my unabashed crush on John Grogan and how I loved this story.  So much, in fact, that I was initially reluctant to watch the movie, because I mean, really, how do you do that story justice??  But despite my reservations, I thought they did a great job with the movie.  And I have subsequently watched it umpteen thousand times.  And Nate will be elsewhere in the house, doing his own thing (after all, that's the only chance I have to get control over the remote).  And regardless of what he is doing at the time, he will walk over to where I am curled up on the couch and hand me Kleenex at two crucial moments (Spoiler Alert for those unfamiliar with the story): 1.) The scene where Marley reacts to Jennifer Aniston after she has just come home from the doctors after miscarrying. and 2.) The scene where they must put Marley to sleep and they are doing a musical flashback to the highlights of Marley's life with their family.

Now, to be honest, I am not really one to get emotional at movies.  Really. But this one gets me every. fucking. time.  Even when I think, "Ok, I've seen this how many times now? I am NOT going to cry this time."  And I still fucking loose it.

And even before I loose it, there Nate will appear out of nowhere, tissue in hand.

If you want an even deeper example of how that man knows and can speak to my heart?  This is a letter he wrote me when we had to put our kitten Callie to sleep after we had only had her a week this past August:


I have been trying to think of some words that may comfort you, my Love.....but it is hard to think when ones heart is breaking and even more so when the heart that is one with mine is breaking too. It is surely shattering to have lost our sweet Callie in less then a week. I never thought a cat would ever evoke so much feeling in such a short time. 

My heart and soul beamed when I saw her in your arm, and the way she looked in to your eyes. I know that even in her short life, it was in that embrace, that she at last had found a true home on this earth. Be it ever so short, I know that our little one's life was comforted by that special Hannah I have come to know and love. I believe that gave Callie the spirit to endure her trials of her last week on earth. 

She seemed like one who was blinded, but was ever so briefly able to see how good life could be, and would forever kept it in her heart. Even when you were not with her, I know she felt the warmth emanating from you my love. You are one of Gods special creations that has been gifted with a unbounded source of immaculate love. 

In times of sorrow, I reach back to my younger musical times for comfort. Today brought to mind two sections of the requiem by Brahms. I hope they may bring you some comfort also. The first is a beautiful soprano solo:

Ye now are sorrowful,
howbeit ye shall again behold me,
and your heart shall be joyful,
and your joy no man taketh from you.
Yea, I will comfort you,
as one whom his own mother comforteth.
Look upon me; ye know that for a little time
labor and sorrow were mine, but at the last
I have found comfort.
(St. John 16, 22)

The second is a celestial choral piece:

How lovely is Thy dwelling place,
O Lord of Hosts!
For my soul, it longeth, yet fainteth for
the courts of the Lord;
my soul and body crieth out,
yea, for the living God.
O blest are they that dwell within Thy house;
they praise Thy name evermore!
(Psalm 84, 2f )

Know my love that I am there for you as, I know, you are there for me. We shall weather this store as we have so many .... together as one inseparable in Love. Nate.

Now do you all see why I love this man so???

Monday, March 28, 2011

A Tale of Two Charms . . . Part 2

Dear God in Heaven I am horrible, just horrible.  No excuse for not writing this.  Aside from broken wrist and torn cartilage in dominant wrist. . .  Still haven't managed to get out of wrist brace. . .

OK, so when I last left you eons ago, I was in the process of telling you about 2 charms.  The first one, from La Belle Dame jewelry, was a fertility pendant of a sea turtle.  I am still wearing it as we speak.  It is an embodiment of the hopes I hardly dare breathe aloud, and yet stir deep in my soul.

The second one had the opposite effect.  It was a Christmas present, and I couldn't have been more affronted if she had hauled back and punched me in the stomach.  At least then I could have had some plausible excuse for gasping and flopping about like a fish out of water.  

It looked like this:

In case the image is acting up again, it is a necklace with a very cute charm that reads "All My Children Have Paws"

Please, Beloved Internets, tell me I don't have to explain this one to you. . .

This was from someone who was both privy to what I have been through in the past and what Nate and I are going through now.  And I know she only meant good by it; did not mean it to be the slap in the face it was.  As I opened it, I just kept saying in my head over and over, "I will not cry here. I will NOT cry here. . ."  I actually had to command my frozen lips into some kind of an upward grimace. 

And I had also gotten her a piece of jewelry, which she immediately fussed over and tried on, ooing and ahhing appropriately the whole time.  And I could not make myself try on this necklace.  I thought if I had to wear it, even for a moment or two, I would throw up right on the spot.  The thought of it touching my skin made me shudder.  

In two necklaces I see the embodiment of this infertility experience:

If you can't see this image go to this link - http://www.labelledame.com/fertility-jewelry.html.  It's the fourth picture from the top of the page.  Her work is beyond words. . .
The one above gives substance to the deepest desires of my heart. . .

OK, this is back to the image of the "All My Children Have Paws" necklace. . .

While this one throws in my face the fact that the only thing I have in my life to give my nurturing love to had four paws and fur.  It is a mockery of all I ever dared to dream. . .