Finding Joy - Day 5

Whimsey's project on finding joy is wrapping up. . .

Although I joined in later in the game, I'm so glad I participated; it's been an an enriching exercise.  It has made me more aware of what I'm experiencing, more present in the moment, more introspective.

Whimsey's most recent post, though, has really given me food for thought. She talks about really working to extract joy, especially during difficult times. About pushing beyond the obvious and easy answers.  Its a challenge, and makes me question myself - have I really gone beyond reflecting on the easy and obvious joy in each day?  That's a hard question, and one I don't know that I have a ready answer for.  In each post I have tried to be honest, but is there more I should be digging for?

Take the situation right now, for example.  As I've indicated in previous posts, I recently came off BCPs.  And you know what?  I've been feeling better.  Physically I have more energy, just feel stronger.  And it has screwed with Smaug.  I was expecting a full blown tantrum from him a few days ago.  And while I've had moderate discomfort, it has not manifested into his usual onslaught.  Now in truth, its way too soon to even begin speculating about what all this might mean,  but my mind can't help spinning in exactly that direction.

In all the times I've imagined finding a way to resolve Smaug, what I would have bargained away, up to and including my right arm, if only I were free of him,  I imagined the absolute joy I'd feel.  I don't think I  ever allowed myself to speculate how different my life would be if I were not ruled by the dictates of a pain-wielding tyrant, especially on a practical level - it's just too painful to even go there.  But I did imagine the joy I'd feel, and I imagined it would be immense.

As my heart and head try to wrap around the swirling cacophony of "what ifs", and I tentatively allow myself to imagine the slim possibility that this just might be the answer, to my astonishment, the foremost emotion I am struggling with is not joy, but anger.  For years I have been begging my doctors to let me try going off BCPs.  I have been dismissed over and over again as I insisted that given the regularity of Smaug's outbursts, there had to be a hormonal relationship, begged to have my hormone levels tested.  And I know I am getting way ahead of myself.  At this time, it is almost impossible to speculate on the long term ramifications on Smaug and my health.  At bare minimum, I need to track it over at least one, if not two months.  It could easily be that the change in meds is throwing Smaug briefly off schedule, only to resume again with a fury.  It has happened before.

But IF this is the answer, and IF it helps control Smaug, then this simple thing is something I have been pushing for for a long time, and a reprieve has been this close all along if only I had been listened to, if only I had trusted my own instincts over medical opinion.  It feels kind of like what I imagine it would be like to be wrongfully convicted for a crime, and after years in prison, being freed.  To know true freedom after that is joyous and mind-boggling, but also there is grief for what has been lost.  And then to consider that BCPs work by hormonally mimicking pregnancy, and if I can't tolerate that, than tolerating a real pregnancy would be impossible.  Again, I'm getting WAY ahead of myself, but if this is true, than its the final nail in the coffin of our dream of having a biological child.

But in the midst of this emotional storm, there is joy.  I cannot wrap my head around what it would be like without Smaug.  To not be planning my life in 6 day increments.  To not constantly be thinking ahead, to make sure I get cat litter by Wednesday, otherwise I will not be able to carry it in the house during a pain cycle.  To not have to deal with wanting to plan a special weekend with my husband, only to be incapacitated by pain.

So all I can do is focus on the fact that I am not incapacitated by pain today, in this particular moment.  And just simply celebrate the joy found in today.  And take each moment, and the joy found in that moment, as it comes.  It sounds very Zen, but in the midst of the swirling storm around me, its the best thing I can do.

And you know what, while I think it is important to dig for the deep/buried joys in our life and cherish them, there is also merit in celebrating the simple, easy joys we encounter every day - a favorite movie, time with loved ones, a favorite song, a sunset.  And sometimes, in the middle of the hustle and chaos of daily life, it is even harder to pay attention to the simple joys.  When we are in the middle of difficult or stressful times, we spend energy and time searching for the deep joys; they are what we cling to and what helps to shine light into those darker days.  Those deep joys are recognized and cherished for what they are.  But when you are going through lighter times, the glimmer of every day joys is much easier to miss - it doesn't have the contrast it has in darker times.

So recognizing the "easy" joys doesn't mean you have done less than when you dig deep and work hard to find joy in harder times.  It is still 'work" to make yourself be still in the middle of daily hustle and bustle and sort out those precious joys.  Because regardless of when they occur, it is important to recognize them for the gift that they are.

Thanks for joining along in this, for listening to my ramblings.  And thanks, Whimsey, for spearheading this challenge.