Very Bad Blogger

I must be spanked - I am a Very Bad Blogger.  Spank me, I've been really bad!!
Ok, enough with the bad Monty Python - I am very sorry for the long, shall we say "lull" in posting.  There has been a whole lot going on, but there really is no excuse.  I will do better.  In the mean time, Dear Internets, I hope the time has been very good to you all.


Update: When we last left our heroine, she had just come off of BCPs to see what, if any, difference it would make to Smaug.  And Smaug was sleeping in a bit, was running later than usual in his regularly  scheduled temper tantrum.   And we were holding our collective breath, afraid to hope something this simple would make such a difference. . .

•  To date, of all the things I've tried, coming off of BCPs is the only thing that has made any significant difference to Smaug whatsoever.  Still think there is no hormonal connection??

• However, it did not come close to defeating Smaug, it merely changed his patterns of slumbering and stomping about my unmentionables.  To clarify: Instead of 4 - 5 really rotten days out of every 12 - 14, I have 7 - 10 really rotten days out of every 25 days or so.  And believe me, the days in between aren't necessarily smooth sailing, many hit a 5 or 6 on the pain scale.  And 7 - 10 days of straight agony really knock you flat.  But it gives me some very precious extended "better" time in between.  And if I get to choose, and for now it seems that I do, I'll take it this way.

• I saw Dr. Love and she decided to try some special new drugs on Smaug.  They are suppositories (oh what fun!) and require a very special pharmacy to make them.  They are designed to work directly on my girly bits and Samug personally.  And I discovered that Smaug really likes them.  They distract him a bit, take the very worst out of his thrashing and tearing about.  It's like it takes the pain down just enough to bring me back from the brink of insanity.  And it doesn't knock me any flatter than the pain already does.  I think this is what makes it possible for me to get through  7 - 10 days of Smaug on a bender. 

• I saw Dr. Saint.  Since I turned 35, she gave me a lecture about my waning fertility.  Don't laugh.  On the one hand, no one wants to get that talk.  On the other hand, I've been trying to get through to various specialists that I'm not getting any younger baby-making wise for quite a while.  This is the same doctor who previously told me that if she were in my shoes and was certain we'd be ok adopting, she would just go ahead and schedule a hysterectomy.  Never mind that that won't necessarily take the wind out of Smaug's sails. This time, however, she was saying that with all the different specialists we have seen, the focus of our efforts has always been on wrestling Smaug in to submission, not on baby-making.  Given my age, she didn't want us, five years from now, to look back and regret not pursuing a baby.  She recommends at least seeing the experts and finding out exactly where we stand.  She was initially talking about seeing an RE and seeing what the challenges to conception are, but remembering what I had been told by another doctor when Nate and I married, I think we're going to start with a pre-conception consultation with a perinatologist.  We need to get a handle, as best we can, on what the risks and effects getting preggers would have on me and any baby we might conceive.

• Nate is on board with this.  This is not so simple as it might sound.  Usually, Nate and I talk about everything.  And we have spoken about this, just not really at any length about the specifics.  Each year, on New Years Eve, we take some time alone to talk about the best moments of the past year, and what we want to see in the new year.  For the past 3 years, the very top of the list of what we want in the new year has been starting a family.

 So we've been very open about where we want to be, and we've faced each obstacle to that goal together, but as far as the mechanics of staring that family goes . . . Well, as you can imagine, with a history like ours (mine in particular), sex is a bit of a loaded gun as far as topics of conversation go.  Just the issue of Smaug alone would be enough to make a man wilt at the idea of physical intimacy.  Then throw in my past and you've increased the difficulty a hundred fold.  Plus, Nate has his own demons with respect to this issue.  The last thing I wanted to do was make Nate feel any pressure about this.  So I tended to push down the depth of my feelings relating to this issue, and focus on getting the best of Smaug.
Have I ever mentioned that we see a shrink?  Let's call her Sara.  Sara is a rock.  We adore her.  Nate knew her from having seen her in the past, and we started seeing her together shortly after Nate's father died and I was in a Very Dark Place with regard to my illness and my past.  We did a lot of hard work together, and I think she is one of the reasons we got through a whole lot of shit prior to marrying. We now see her roughly every 2 -3 weeks, just to go over anything troublesome, help with coping techniques with Smaug, etc.  There are a number of times now where I don't know that we need to see her per se, but we got into the habit of it, and it's rather a healthy habit, kind of like going to the gym.  

Anyway, a typical session for us is that Nate gets to spend some time with her alone first, then I get time alone with her, then we come together and meet with her as a couple.  While I'm rather lousy at bringing troubling things up with her of my own initiative, I promised myself that I wouldn't shy away from a subject when asked, no matter how difficult.  So when Sara asked how my last appointment with Dr. Saint had gone, and then asked how I felt about getting pregnant, I think I surprised her a bit when I answered, "I want it like my lungs want air to breathe." 

But it turns out Nate had been expressing similar feelings about having a baby.  So when we had our "couple time" with  Sara, we outlined where we were and a rough game plan.  Nate was surprisingly up for the medical consultation, even wanting his family dr to order a SA before we do a standard fertility work up.  That may sound weird, but he was born with an undescended testicle (wasn't surgically removed until he was 6), and he's always wondered what, if any,  effects that may have had on his boys.  I think I may have found perinatologist, now I just need to work up the courage to actually take a bite out of that bullet.

Much more to tell you all, but this will suffice for my first post back in a while. 

'Til Soon. 

-Hannah

Heart Aches

First, I'd like to say "Happy birthday, America!", and wish you all a wonderful July 4.  After seeing my allergist/pulmonologist, and getting different antibiotics, I have finally been able to make a dent in the sinus/upper respiratory infection that has been making things rather difficult for me.

But I wanted to talk about something else.  Many of you have shared how difficult it can be to attend social events celebrating children/babies.  If I am honest, I will admit that doing so may be bittersweet for me, but it has not been something that particularly upset me.  Take, for example, when I attended our school's prom this year (as a chaperone, of course).  One of the other teachers, Kate, attended with her husband, Marco, their toddler daughter and 7 month old son.  We have been friends for quite a while, and while she did not have fertility issues per se, she had severe health issues and both children were very much longed for and sacrificed for.  While at the prom, I was talking with Marco as he sat with their 7 month old on a couch.  Kate was across the room talking with someone else, and Marco balanced the baby (somewhat precariously) - scissored between his legs.  Kate kept a nervous eye on the baby as she talked, uncomfortable with the baby's rather tenuous position. I finally reached out and scooped up the baby.  As I did, Kate audibly sighed, and shouted across the room, "Thank you, Hannah!  See, you understand; it's those mothering instincts you have in such abundance!"  And most of the room stared at me as my heart felt a resounding pang.

Not fun, but I can handle that.  But this week, I felt it much more intensely.  My new job has me working closely with a good friend, Andrew.  In fact, the reason I even got this job was because Andrew  recommended me so highly.  One day this week, Andrew brought his 5 year old son, Evan, to work.  Evan is a very serious little boy, and as sweet as can be.  While Andrew was in a meeting, I read to Evan, helped him play a new computer game, and draw a picture for his father.  I endured comments from the admin assistant about what a wonderful mother I'll be without too much problem.

We had a large group meeting during lunch, and I was part of the team leading the meeting.  Andrew had taken Evan out to lunch.  I was doing my thing, playing my part in the meeting, when suddenly I looked up and saw Andrew and Evan in the back of the room.  Evan was curled up in Andrew's lap, his head resting on Andrew's chest.  Andrew absently rocked him back and forth, rested his chin on Evan's head, stroked his hair and kissed the top of his head.  I whirled around to face away from him, my heart crying out to God in pain.

I don't know if you remember, but in an earlier post I talked about how while I yearned to be a mother, I ached to help Nate become a father.  And I was surprised to realize that those situations that remind me that I have not been able to do that hurt me even more than those that remind me I am not yet a mother.

So what about you guys?  What are the situations that really get to you?  How do you cope?

Sorry For The Delay

I have been a Very Bad Blogger.  Ugh.  Revolting.


The truth is that, unfortunately, after a relatively short period of time for Smaug to regroup, he struck again with a vengeance.  Of course the delay was just long enough for Hope to get more than a toehold (more like a springboard).  And the crash back to reality just so sucks.  And it was his longest assault to date, lasting more than a week. 


And then a sinus infection/bronchitis followed hot on Smaug's heels, throw in a root canal just for giggles, and it flattened me.  I'm still trying to catch my breath.  So this will be a rather short post, and I hope to catch up with everyone when I'm more on my feet.


On one other note: I will be needing to get a GPS system (for my car) for my new job.  I want a voice system that will name the streets and provide traffic updates.  Currently on top of my list is the Nuvi 765t.  Any thoughts, anyone? 

Foto Friday 3

I should just give up and call it Foto Sunday. . .


Anyway, here's one of my latest photos

I have no idea who this little one is.  This photo was taken at the WW2 Air Show in Reading, PA, and she and her family were re-enactors in the show.  She trotted all over, clutching her favorite dolly.  I love the timeless whimsey and innocence it captures.  

Finding Joy - Day 5

Whimsey's project on finding joy is wrapping up. . .

Although I joined in later in the game, I'm so glad I participated; it's been an an enriching exercise.  It has made me more aware of what I'm experiencing, more present in the moment, more introspective.

Whimsey's most recent post, though, has really given me food for thought. She talks about really working to extract joy, especially during difficult times. About pushing beyond the obvious and easy answers.  Its a challenge, and makes me question myself - have I really gone beyond reflecting on the easy and obvious joy in each day?  That's a hard question, and one I don't know that I have a ready answer for.  In each post I have tried to be honest, but is there more I should be digging for?

Take the situation right now, for example.  As I've indicated in previous posts, I recently came off BCPs.  And you know what?  I've been feeling better.  Physically I have more energy, just feel stronger.  And it has screwed with Smaug.  I was expecting a full blown tantrum from him a few days ago.  And while I've had moderate discomfort, it has not manifested into his usual onslaught.  Now in truth, its way too soon to even begin speculating about what all this might mean,  but my mind can't help spinning in exactly that direction.

In all the times I've imagined finding a way to resolve Smaug, what I would have bargained away, up to and including my right arm, if only I were free of him,  I imagined the absolute joy I'd feel.  I don't think I  ever allowed myself to speculate how different my life would be if I were not ruled by the dictates of a pain-wielding tyrant, especially on a practical level - it's just too painful to even go there.  But I did imagine the joy I'd feel, and I imagined it would be immense.

As my heart and head try to wrap around the swirling cacophony of "what ifs", and I tentatively allow myself to imagine the slim possibility that this just might be the answer, to my astonishment, the foremost emotion I am struggling with is not joy, but anger.  For years I have been begging my doctors to let me try going off BCPs.  I have been dismissed over and over again as I insisted that given the regularity of Smaug's outbursts, there had to be a hormonal relationship, begged to have my hormone levels tested.  And I know I am getting way ahead of myself.  At this time, it is almost impossible to speculate on the long term ramifications on Smaug and my health.  At bare minimum, I need to track it over at least one, if not two months.  It could easily be that the change in meds is throwing Smaug briefly off schedule, only to resume again with a fury.  It has happened before.

But IF this is the answer, and IF it helps control Smaug, then this simple thing is something I have been pushing for for a long time, and a reprieve has been this close all along if only I had been listened to, if only I had trusted my own instincts over medical opinion.  It feels kind of like what I imagine it would be like to be wrongfully convicted for a crime, and after years in prison, being freed.  To know true freedom after that is joyous and mind-boggling, but also there is grief for what has been lost.  And then to consider that BCPs work by hormonally mimicking pregnancy, and if I can't tolerate that, than tolerating a real pregnancy would be impossible.  Again, I'm getting WAY ahead of myself, but if this is true, than its the final nail in the coffin of our dream of having a biological child.

But in the midst of this emotional storm, there is joy.  I cannot wrap my head around what it would be like without Smaug.  To not be planning my life in 6 day increments.  To not constantly be thinking ahead, to make sure I get cat litter by Wednesday, otherwise I will not be able to carry it in the house during a pain cycle.  To not have to deal with wanting to plan a special weekend with my husband, only to be incapacitated by pain.

So all I can do is focus on the fact that I am not incapacitated by pain today, in this particular moment.  And just simply celebrate the joy found in today.  And take each moment, and the joy found in that moment, as it comes.  It sounds very Zen, but in the midst of the swirling storm around me, its the best thing I can do.

And you know what, while I think it is important to dig for the deep/buried joys in our life and cherish them, there is also merit in celebrating the simple, easy joys we encounter every day - a favorite movie, time with loved ones, a favorite song, a sunset.  And sometimes, in the middle of the hustle and chaos of daily life, it is even harder to pay attention to the simple joys.  When we are in the middle of difficult or stressful times, we spend energy and time searching for the deep joys; they are what we cling to and what helps to shine light into those darker days.  Those deep joys are recognized and cherished for what they are.  But when you are going through lighter times, the glimmer of every day joys is much easier to miss - it doesn't have the contrast it has in darker times.

So recognizing the "easy" joys doesn't mean you have done less than when you dig deep and work hard to find joy in harder times.  It is still 'work" to make yourself be still in the middle of daily hustle and bustle and sort out those precious joys.  Because regardless of when they occur, it is important to recognize them for the gift that they are.

Thanks for joining along in this, for listening to my ramblings.  And thanks, Whimsey, for spearheading this challenge.

Finding Joy - Day 4

New Beginnings -
Today marked my first day full time in a new job.
There's much joy to be found in this -

• The excitement of the unknown
• Having felt rather stagnated in my previous position, this new one offers the chance to learn and work at something entirely new.
• To work with people I genuinely like and respect.
• And as an added bonus, they seem to genuinely like and respect me.
• The chance to help people in a new way.
• To stretch out of my comfort zone a bit.
• To have all this, and still maintain a connection to my previous work.

This sums it up nicely, but doesn't do it justice.  My day was spent with people who are passionate about helping people and will move heaven and earth to do so, and are willing to challenge the assumed "norms" in order to help.  They are are also a group who, office politics aside, like and respect each other so much they linger at the end of the day, just talking and sharing. 

It's lovely to go to work and not know exactly what my day will entail.  And this is from someone who is usually leery about change.  But its just so lovely to not feel like I am just plodding along on a treadmill.  Even though I am brand new at this, to be asked for my thoughts and ideas, and to have those ideas taken seriously.  And the fact that they took me out to lunch to welcome me is just an added bonus:)  OK, I still didn't do it justice. 

Other bright spots of joy today:

• Enjoying the best ice cream ever with a beloved student.
• Having somewhere/someone competent to turn to when faced with a spot of trouble.
• To savor a good book.
• To get home earlier than I had anticipated.
• To snuggle up and relax with my husband.
• To trying something new (Crenshaw melon) and finding it absolutely succulent. (Almost as good as the ice cream) 

All in all, so much to be thankful for. . .

Finding Joy - Day 3

First, just want to wish everyone a very happy Memorial Day, and thanks beyond words to those for whom we celebrate this holiday.

This weekend was a lovely, long, 3-day weekend.  It was not that Nate and I did anything special - on Saturday we were human slugs - taking naps and watching cheesy tv, on Sunday we visited family and engaged in heated political and religious debates, and Monday we ran generic errands together, had a lovely dinner and enjoyed some time together.

And the best part?  For the duration of the entire three days, I was not doubled over or curled up in a fetal position.  I was not crying, unable to leave the heating pad.  I was able to relax, sleep, enjoy my family and my husband.  In all honesty, I don't quite remember the last time that has happened.

So even though this weekend was very ordinary, I am so very thankful that I was able to participate and appreciate the very ordinariness of it.  So thankful.  And so joyful.

Many hopes for a joyful holiday for you all.